About 15 years ago I was badly hurt by a guy. I certainly didn’t pine after him for that long but the feelings, the worthlessness and the low self esteem lingered. I blame myself for allowing them to linger, for allowing him to have affected my sense of self that much. I’m not sorry he’s gone, I was never sorry. Damn I had a lucky escape if I’m truly honest.
He had caused the initial hurt but it was me that allowed it to take root for so long. I never believed myself worthy of happiness or love and as a result I built up walls to ensure this pain never happened again.
Every couple of years I hear from him, a text message or an email. The last time he contacted me, he suggested we meet up for coffee as we were long overdue a catchup. “Sure” I replied, “once you tell your wife where you’re going and who you’re meeting, then I’d happily meet you for a cuppa”. As expected, that was the end of him. He’s a serial liar, I had known in my heart that this stipulation would send him cowering.
I guess I should’ve expected another message, it was long overdue. This time it was via Facebook messenger. “Hey stranger, long time, how’s life??” was what popped into my inbox last night. My reaction this time was different. There was no feeling of lingering memories or cautiousness for lessons learned. The feelings that came were disdain and derision. How had I ever allowed such a conceited creep to affect how I felt about myself? Honestly if I met him for the first time today, I’m sure I wouldn’t rate him at all. He’s not a good person and he’s certainly not worthy of my time. I deserve only good and honest people in my life who treat me as all decent people deserve to be treated.
Thank you for your message, thank you for reminding me of how far I’ve come and how strong I am today. I may not have realised just how much I’m worth without you.