Enough

Today I’m fed up. I’m fed up of not being well, of not winning the battle. I’m tired of feeling sad, angry, numb, anxious, and inferior. I’m exhausted from the feeling of my heart pounding to get out of my chest, of hyperventilating multiple times a day, of feeling unwell and needy, of feeling unnecessary.

I’ve had enough of having the concentration of a goldfish, although I suspect that’s an urban myth and not actually true. Poor misunderstood goldfish.

I’m worn out from having all my thoughts clouded by negativity and confusion, of not trusting my own thoughts or feelings, of being on edge all the time, of doubting anything good that anyone says to me. I’m fed up of being told that walking, exercise, mindfulness or being busy will help because I’m exhausted just keeping my head above water.

I’m tired of celebrities telling me they’ve been where I am and they got through it. Every battle is different. Every person is different. By telling me they’ve succeeded, they’re reminding me that I’ve failed, yet again. Yes, it’s well intended and it certainly serves to raise awareness but it’s not helping me, clearly I’m doing something wrong if I can’t succeed.

But mostly I can’t take being told again and again that there is an end to these feelings. Depression and anxiety are not like flu, a broken bone or cancer. They are not beaten, you do not heal. More often than not they are never cured. They are managed and balanced every day of my life. I’m fed up of falling down the well numerous times in my life. I’m fed up of climbing back out again. I’m fed up of the never-ending merry-go-round that is my mental illness. I’m fed up (in advance) at the prospect of the rest of my life being like this, a constant balancing act to feel worthwhile for a small snippet of time.

Yes, I’m also fed up of harping on about it. I’m fed up of it dominating so many of my conversations with colleagues and friends. I’m fed up of crying when my boss is being nice to me. I’m fed up of confirming to her that I’m a basket-case. Truth be told, I’m fed up of feeling like a basket-case.

I’m tired.

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Comments on: "Enough" (3)

  1. I only know my own experience, as you’re right when you say it’s a unique experience for everyone. I can empathize with your pain, which I do on so many levels, but I can’t imagine what you’re going through. I’m so sorry that you are struggling with the demons that are depression and anxiety. The only thing that I have to disagree with in your post is that you DID win today. You’re still alive, and some days, that is what our win is. Other days, our win is that we felt good the whole day and treated our minds and bodies right. There is soooo much in between those two extremes that count as wins. If you are breathing, you have won. But, it’s hard to feel that way when you struggle with depression. It’s a monster.

  2. casserlyrock said:

    There is nothing anyone can say that will “make things better”, so I won’t even try. All I will say is that I am here if you ever need a chat and I care about you *Hugs*

  3. You’ve lived to fight another day. A life of constant anxiety isn’t inevitable, just know that. You are holding down a technical job, putting one foot in front of another and have done a good twist of articulating your thoughts. Depression doesn’t always get cured, but can be helped to be managed, I have close experience of that. So I won’t ever tell you to “cheer up”, but hope is both real and reasonable. 🙂

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