Decency

There are some people in our everyday lives that seem to unconsciously use us and manipulate us to satisfy their own selfish whims. They will of course tell themselves it’s justified. They don’t see the self-centredness in their behaviour,  to do so would be to admit they are not good at the core and let’s be honest, nobody really wants to face up to that.

My example is of my most recent ex-boyfriend. Bet you were all wondering where my dating blogs had gone. The summarised version is that he did all the chasing, he pursued me tirelessly but as it turns out most of what he told me was a fairy tale. They were small plausible lies that made him feel good about himself and were devised to reel me in to his duplicitous and twisted world. It all came to a head when he stood me up one day. What astonished me was the fact that he actually tried to blame me for the events of the day. I’d never encountered such arrogance and unwillingness to see outside of one’s own head in all my years. Some might call me gullible for not seeing this trait sooner but I’ve always seen the best in people. I will always take someone at face value until they prove otherwise. Well, surprise surprise, he proved otherwise. I also believe that how you treat people reveals everything about your character that anyone needs to know. The lies began to unravel once I was in a position to examine the relationship more objectively. Each lie when taken alone seemed innocuous enough, such as saying he was on strong sleeping pills when he wasn’t. Why lie about something like that? What’s the point? When did these stories begin? I’ve no idea, but it just takes one lie to call everything he ever said into question.

We’d only been going out a few months, that’s no big deal. What really got me riled was that we’d started out as friends, we’d been close friends for 12 months before the relationship began. I now doubt that our friendship was built on anything other than an elaborate tale of fiction and manipulation designed to massage his fragile ego. Why did he behave so appallingly, both in general and on that particular day? I’ve no idea and I really don’t care what his motives were. All I know is they are not characteristics befitting someone deserving of my time and efforts.

What I would love to know though, is how long he thought his stories would last? Was it calculated or was he making it up as he went along, falling deeper into the morass and trying to bring me with him? Did he even go so far as to believe his own stories?  Did he have an endgame? What was the point of all this? Was it  driven by malice or simply a pathetic attempt to seek affection?

So what is it that drives people like this to lie compulsively to others? Do they consider those around them unworthy of basic honesty and decency? Do they even think about the other people they affect? I appreciate each of us are essentially selfish at our core, that’s simple self preservation, but to cause harm to another for no apparent reason beyond personal gratification or ego-massaging is something I cannot quite get my head around. Surely such a blatant lack of empathy coupled with a fragile ego is classic narcissism, how did I not see this sooner?

Most importantly I refuse to let this change me as a person; elaborate revenge fantasies aside! I will continue to be warm, honest and open to everyone I meet. I will continue to believe that truth is singular and the most valuable gift you can bestow upon anyone. I will continue to maintain a positive outlook in all my dealings with people and in potential relationships. To do anything else would be to let him under my skin and he’s proven that he’s not worth that. But a word to the wise, don’t ever dare lie to me or break my trust: what is it they say about a woman scorned?

And so I’ve returned to Tinder, where for the moment at least, I’m new and interesting. I might even be referred to as fresh meat. And the first date dress is out in force again.

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