I invite a friend round for dinner. The doorbell rings, I answer, we hug and I invite them in. We enjoy our meal while catching up, conversing, engaging, laughing, etc. I’ve made dessert too. It’s all very enjoyable. We even arrange to do it again.
Scenario 2: The doorbell rings, I’m not expecting anyone but I go to answer it. Standing there is someone I don’t know very well but have gotten along with in the past. Before I know it, they’ve pushed past me, they’re in the kitchen and riffling through my cupboards. I’m in stunned silence. This isn’t what I expected when I answered the door. I return to the kitchen and I’m yelled at to sit down. I’m suddenly scared so I do as I’m told. My fight or flight instinct has chosen to freeze and I can’t override it. They make a sandwich, all the while yelling at me. I’m frozen to the spot, I daren’t move for fear I’ll feel their rage via their fists. They scoff the sandwich down, leave the place in a mess and storm out of the house.
Still with me? Now, let’s say I want to make a complaint to the Gardaí about this? Let’s say I take it to trial? Why does my ability or willingness to engage in scenario 1 sully my testimony while his previous convictions for scenario 2 are inadmissible?
Because I opened the door, is it my fault? I should have looked through the peep hole. I should have been a better judge of character. I should have yelled back. I should have used my words and my fists to get them out of my house. Is it my fault because I had fresh bread in the house?
So it’s all my fault and now I’m afraid to open the door to anyone. I live in fear. I jump every time I hear a car slow down outside.
If this seems ridiculous to you, you’re right. It is ridiculous. Yet that’s what happens to rape victims daily, both by society and by our legal system. We fail them.
The purpose of Tinder is to meet and engage with new people. How can we do this is we don’t take people at face value? How has anyone ever found a new person to add to their world without an element of trust? This is not the fault of Tinder but equally, it is not the fault of the victim.
Enough is enough. Let’s blame the rapist. Are you with me?